Painting on a happy face

Painting on a happy face.  I heard this on TV last week and it describes exactly what I have been doing for the last few weeks.   I wake up with a heavy feeling in my heart, a sadness that feels like its going to swallow me up.  I drag myself out of bed, jump in the shower and then get ready for work.  It's as I'm just about to enter the GP surgery where I work that I take a deep breath in and then put on a smile on as I walk inside.  I paint on a happy face.  I'm sure your asking yourselves why at this point.  Around three weeks ago Hubby and I got some devastating news.  Hubby had a vasectomy 10 years ago which in April last year we got reversed with the hope we would be able to have a child.  We recently found out that the reversal didn't work and there is little to no chance of things changing.  So in a nutshell we have found out that we are not going to be blessed with a child.  I knew from the start the situation with Hubby and what it could possibly mean for the future but you can't really prepare yourself for that fact you may not have children until you really know there is no chance.  But what could I do, I love him with all my heart and I could never of walked away from him, not in the beginning and most certainly not now.    Now it is a reality which we are having to face, I could never of anticipated how hard it was going to be.  Its really has been a rough few weeks hence the fact that I have been lying low and hidden myself away from the blogosphere and all things social, Twitter, Facebook etc.   I do have a habit of doing that, when I hit troubled times I tend to cocoon myself away with Hubby and Spike until I feel I can start dealing with things.

I probably have one of the worst jobs for someone who wants children but can't have them.  In my job I regularly see babies and children, I get to see the happiness of new parents bringing in their new baby for their first vaccinations or women coming in asking about starting a family and women who are happily pregnant.  Its tough having to face this on a nearly daily basis.  What's also hard is being a women of my young age *cough and splutter* the question of children will inevitably come up every now and again.  Do you just smile and say not at the moment, do I lie and say 'oh children are lovely but I'm afraid their not for me' or do I tell them the truth and tell them I can't have them and you then have that very awkward moment where the person asking feels really bad for bringing up the subject.  It happened the other day.  I bumped into a lady who is helping us at work, I have not seen her since she has had her two little boys. We chatted for a while catching up and then she asked me how things were, the last time I saw her I had not long got married so naturally she then asked that dreaded children question. I just smiled and said no.  It was the easier answer on this occasion.

Its such a hard thing to deal with and learn to live with.  Time and time again there are going to be difficult situations.  For example when a friend falls pregnant or when someone brings up the dreaded question about children.  I feel saddened at the experiences I will never have, the joy (and probably fear too) of seeing a positive pregnancy test, the first baby scan, the joy of telling my parents and see how happy they would be.  That really does break my heart how sad I know my parents are for me and how much they would have loved us to have had a child. Oh I better stop there, what good is it to think of all these things, I'm only making myself worse.  But if I'm honest these are thoughts that have often crossed my mind the last few weeks and I have quickly tried to banish them to a box in the corner of my mind labelled 'don't want to think about'.  I know I can't focus on the things I feel I will be missing out on but its only natural at times, these thoughts are going to pop up.

There are possibly options such as IVF but I don't know if it would be available on the NHS and we certainly couldn't afford to fund it ourselves, after paying for the reversal.  But even if we could we have both always said that IVF or going down any of the assisted conception routes would unfortunately not be a good choice for use because of MS.  I would have to stop my medication which I would not want to do, I do not want to risk having a relapse and then needing time off work.  The other route we could take is the adoption one.  This is possibly something I would consider if it was a choice available to us but its something we have not discussed and before we start looking into what options are available to us we both want to let the dust settle.  We are waiting to speak to the consultant who did the surgery to see what he has to say but we don't hold out much hope.  I am a very stubborn person and I keep on at something until I achieve what I want.  This is the one occasion I don't think I'm going to find my way around the problem and that is something that is really very hard to accept.

As this week has gone on, that heavy fog that has been encapsulating my heart has slowly started to lift.  It's a sadness that will always be a part of me but its one I am going to have to learn to live with, that we are going to have to live with together.  I was talking to a friend who also has MS and she was talking about her troubles and worries of being a single mum of two teenagers with MS and will she ever find someone to share her life with. This got me thinking about my own situation. It hurts deeply that we can not have children but I am very lucky to have a wonderful husband to share my life with.  So we may not be blessed with children but we are blessed in many other ways, we have a happy and wonderful life together.  So I will continue to count the blessings that are in my life.  I am a strong believer things happen for a reason.  So although it is unclear now, I'm sure there is a reason this is all happening, it just better be a good one ;o)